Thomas Jefferson Writes a Thing
(SCENE: A dimly lit tavern, Philadelphia, 1776. THOMAS JEFFERSON sits at a table enjoying a pint of ale)
ENTER JOHN ADAMS and BENJAMIN FRANKLIN.
ADAMS: Tommy! Bud! We’ve been looking for you everywhere! Mind if we sit?
JEFFERSON: Sure. What’s up?
FRANKLIN: Thomas, we wanted to ask you something. How busy are you these days?
JEFFERSON: Well, I’m always working on Monticello and, you know, like law stuff. Why?
ADAMS: We need you to write a thing.
JEFFERSON: A thing?
ADAMS: Yeah.
JEFFERSON: Like a speech or….?
FRANKLIN: More like a document.
ADAMS: Kind of a contract.
FRANKLIN: A proclamation, I think, we had talked about calling it.
JEFFERSON: For what purpose, exactly?
ADAMS: You know how we’re, like, breaking up with Britain and everything, right?
JEFFERSON: I think everyone knows, John, because of the war?
FRANKLIN: What John is getting at is that we need to make it official. Get it all in writing about what we’re doing.
ADAMS: Yeah. We need some solid PR on this thing.
JEFFERSON: PR?
ADAMS: Yeah, you know, spell it out so, like, everyone can get on board, like, Benny said- officially speaking and such.
FRANKLIN: We really need your skills, Thomas.
JEFFERSON: I don’t know. Isn’t there anybody else you can ask? What about Hancock? Or how about that young man I keep hearing about, what’s his name? Alexander Hampton or something?
ADAMS: Hamilton. No. That kid is all over the map. Got a death wish, too. Following George around to get in the war. No. We need a pro, Tommy.
FRANKLIN: John is right. We need a real man of letters!
JEFFERSON: (Takes a long sip of his drink) How much does it pay?
(ADAMS and FRANKLIN exchange a look.)
ADAMS: Um, we, like, don’t have a lot of silver right now---
FRANKLIN: What John means is that, yes, the budget is small or, okay, not really a thing, BUT think of the exposure! Your name, mostly, on this thing that everyone in the colonies would read. We think it could be very big. Huge, really. A real reputation game-changer.
JEFFERSON: (Takes another sip) When do you need it by?
FRANKLIN and ADAMS (simultaneously): A month! A week! (FRANKLIN kicks ADAMS under the table)
FRANKLIN: A solid draft by the end of the month would be ideal. And listen, I know a guy who owes me a favor and said you could have one of the rooms he rents out for free. It’s just a few blocks from here on Market Street. Great views of the city, quiet, no distractions.
JEFFERSON: (sighs) If I agreed, I mean, how long are we talking? A couple of paragraphs or, like, a bunch of pages? I’m gonna need a lot of ink, you know. You think you can find that in your small budget? And what’s even in this thing?
ADAMS: (waves over a server, gestures for more pints) Awesome! I knew you’d come through, pal! So, like, length-wise, totally not long at all. Like, a page or maybe six or like, ten? Ten max, totally.
FRANKLIN: There will be some editing, Thomas, of course. As to what’s in it, well, first we need an introduction. Think of it as stating our philosophical position about this whole business.
ADAMS: Yeah. An intro, like short, because we want people to, like, actually read it. But make it really, really good. Strong, you know? Like wicked quotable.
FRANKLIN: We need the introduction to be eloquent, thoughtful. It should speak to the moral reasons behind all of this. I don’t want to say ‘think instant classic read by generations to come,’ but I’m not not saying that.
JEFFERSON: Hold on, I should probably be taking notes (reaches into a satchel for a quill, ink pot, and some paper. Begins writing) Okay, so intro…moral stuff….like here’s the bigger picture kind of deal. (pauses) So, maybe something, and I’m just spitballing here, ‘Since God created all mankind to live in harmony it is His will we should not suffer under the rule of kings who are mean and really bad at their jobs.’ I’ll punch it up, but that’s kind of the gist?
ADAMS: Exactly! Next we want to really stick it to that jerk face weasel King George.
JEFFERSON: You want me to call King George a jerk face weasel?
ADAMS: YES!
FRANKLIN (kicks ADAMS again): NO. No, John is referring to the section we’re calling “grievances.” We need to remind the people about all the ways King George has consistently persecuted the colonies and overstepped his rule.
JEFFERSON: Like all the taxation and---
ADAMS: Like keeping people from getting fair trials and, like, basically plundering our towns and cities—Tommy, that’s a great word ‘plunder,’ you gotta work that in there. Man, I frickin hate that goddamn dirty jerk face weasel—
FRANKLIN: All the underhanded things King George has pulled goes in this section. And then we want to kind of quickly wrap it up because we get that people don’t have long attention spans in this modern age of distraction. Truthfully, I blame myself just a little bit what with inventing electricity and everything….
ADAMS: Minga. This frickin thing again. You know I’m the one who told you a storm was coming that day. Where’s my frickin credit?
JEFFERSON: Wait. If we’re saying all this stuff to get people on board with splitting from England and, basically, starting over, shouldn’t we also tell them how we’ll be better off?
FRANKLIN: Interesting. What do you mean?
JEFFERSON: You know, sort of use this thing to sell the whole idea of independence by saying stuff like, “Once freed we can govern ourselves, set our own laws, conduct business freely.”
ADAMS: Oooh! I like that! Yeah! We should totally say that!
FRANKLIN: Hmm. Could be useful, maybe….
JEFFERSON: Or, again, just doing a kind of creative brain dump here, but we could say something like, “Being a free nation from monarchical tyranny means all individuals should be free. With this in mind we abolish slavery forever!”
(ADAMS spits out his ale. FRANKLIN chokes on his drink)
ADAMS: ARE YOU A GODDAMN MORON?!
FRANKLIN: I think John means ‘Wow! Bold!’ And I love where your head is at Thomas, I do, truly. Personally, I’m right there with you. Some of my best friends feel bad about slavery. But let’s put a pin in it for now. You know, we can always revisit it down the line. Or who knows, slavery might just go away on its own!
JEFFERSON: Maybe you’re right. There’s no telling if any of this will even work.
(The three men fall silent, drinking)
ADAMS: Look, if it does and we can pull this off, I say we throw the biggest frickin party the country has ever seen. Make it a whole yearly thing. Parades and fireworks and beer! I know a guy. ‘Cause we deserve it! We’re awesome at EVERYTHING and especially at inventing the best frickin country on the planet!
JEFFERSON: I don’t think that’s accurate---
FRANKLIN: John’s right! Eyes on the prize boys. A toast: to freedom, fireworks, and beer!
ADAMS: That’s good, Tommy. Put that in, too.
(The men “clink” their glasses in a toast. Freeze. Blackout)
END
Lens Zen!
This week’s Lens Zen comes courtesy of my favorite hiking trail. Wandering in the woods is something I love dearly, providing it doesn’t result in a brush with the Blair Witch. I never get tired of taking this particular walk along this stretch of forest. Thanks to a Biblical amount of rain recently, the brook puts on a show of her own. Got a favorite nature/natural place to peace out to? Do tell!
Been meaning to read this and although it’s late, I’m glad I read it today. So funny, smart and accurate. That’s how it went, for sure! Thanks! 😂
Frickin and minga should be in every history text book. Add that to the long list of things omitted...THIS IS GREAT and WICKED FUNNY. xoxo