Hold onto your ya-yas, ladies, because science has some new intel about our already weird enough bodies: the clitoris has legs. If it sounds like the title of a cinematic trashterpiece from the boffo team of John Waters and David Lynch, you are definitely paying attention and I would definitely see that movie.
I ran across this item recently and felt compelled to read. In this fraught political climate that is not exactly #1 Fan Team Women, I think it’s just smart to stay educated. What if my clitoris legs suddenly make me eligible for a tax break I could have been getting this whole time? Can they get me out of jury duty? I have questions!
These “legs” are called the “crura,” which is so hard to say it will sadly never, ever make it into a Bon Jovi love song. Judging by the updated diagrams of that area, the entire apparatus including the crura resembles a praying mantis and not, like Georgia O’Keeffe led us to believe, the dreamy, velvety folds of a peony. Well.
The crura are built into the inner-sanctum of that downstairs Red Light District, which is probably the main reason why no one ever bothered to mention them. That’s some big “nothing to see here” energy, medical establishment, which is also the leading cause of making women crazy for eons. What do they even do? Barely anything EXCEPT PROMISE TO DELIVER 900% MORE PLEASURE! Ah! There it is! Another piece of women’s sexual jungle gym revealed (ish) if you can even do something about it. Our bodies giveth, but they mostly hideth and maketh a lot of worketh. Passeth.
The article goes on to describe how you can access this zone using various techniques that involve angles and positions and the specific placement of hands and/or devices and, frankly, some kind of quantum physics calibrations that are quite far above my pay grade. Just reading about the required machinations made me confused and exhausted, which I could have achieved using conventional methods anyway! All of this to say is that it would be easier to steal the Ark of the Covenant twice than it would be to unlock this particular bonus content.
But it clarified something else for me. I’ve always known that women are a source of cultural fear and anxiety. Now I know why. Our bodies are inscrutable, unknowable; they’re perpetually morphing like an M.C. Escher drawing. Just when you’ve got a handle on what they’re up to–TWIST! Guess what? Your estrogen can give you the power to read minds! Our bodies aren’t wonderlands, they’re black ops training centers. We don't even know all the gear we’re packing or what the hell everything does. We’re walking Swiss Army knives only instead of a toothpick and corkscrew we’ve got a flamethrower, x-ray vision glasses, a travel Scrabble board, and two different kinds of reading glasses.
So, legs in our lady parts–yeah, that tracks.
Currently spit balling ways I can bring this up at a dinner party tonight. All suggestions welcome.
Hilarious and educational! lolol