Sheeted Rivalry
The Winter Olympics are fast approaching. That means soon people will have strong opinions about things like why AC/DC’s “Hells Bells” is the perfect Ice Dance program song or why curling is a sport. And the correct response to the latter is because curling is a low-key stoner type sport that is pure bliss to enjoy over a bag of Funions and a 2-liter of Dr. Pepper. Glide on goofy little ice Roomba dude. You know not everything in the winter games has to involve propelling your body down an icy slope at 75 mph balanced on two pieces of Hot Wheels race track, okay?
While the Olympic medal hopefuls are busy getting in their final runs and polishing their programs, another group of athletes wait in the wings for their chance to shine. I am, of course, talking about the elite class of participants in the Chinese Bed Making Competitions.
While American hotels are charging you for “upgraded oxygen” in your room, the Chinese luxury hospitality industry is keeping it tight-literally. Employees of these 5-star hotels undergo an intense bed-making training program. There they master the art of the turndown, honing their fluff and fold skills to make a bed of such perfection that most guests end up sleeping in the bathtub so as not to ruin it. That’s the exemplary level of service these individuals strive for–mild in the streets, wild in the sheets, hospitality-wise. And their reward is not just a “job well done” pat on the back and $25 gift card to Applebees. No. Those considered the LeBron Jameses of linens are invited to put their tuck talents to the test in bed-making competitions.
Competitions may be held in hotel event centers or sometimes at universities. Two bare mattresses are placed in a large, open space. A set of linens along with two pillows and cases sit on a nearby table. Armed with an inexplicably thick packet of forms, judges hover on the periphery to evaluate each person’s performance. They not only score on how well the bed gets made, but also take into account things like attitude, elegance, and fluidity. That’s right: IT’S A BED-MAKING COMPETITION WITH BEAUTY PAGEANT VIBES! SPICY! And so it begins:
The Flat Sheet
The contestant strides to the table with the nimble, weightless grace of a ballet dancer, retrieves the flat sheet from the table, and returns to the mattress. The proper technique involves casting the sheet over the mattress in one fluid motion, like tossing a 500-thread count frisbee. Now, this is already a little controversial. Shouldn’t a true bed-making master, a Percale prodigy, work with a fitted sheet–inarguably the penultimate bed-making nemesis? My personal opinion is yes. You cannot claim GOAT status in sports or in life until you have vanquished a fitted sheet. And I mean the sheet deployed and secured in one shot. Not the way it usually goes down with turning it around a minimum of sixteen times before the corners line up the right way and you start questioning your sanity. I mean, isn’t this thing just a goddamn rectangle? How did it suddenly become an octagon? And then the stretching and straining to get the corners completely under the mattress so they don’t sneak out and pop up in the middle of the night to kill you by folding you up into a deadly sheet burrito. Fitted sheets, man. Cannot trust. Sincerely. So China, please take note: if you want us to take competitive bed-making seriously in the future, you better add a Fitted Sheet event that also includes The Folding Show Down! You won’t. It can’t be done. Martha Stewart LIES.
The flat sheet is secured. A judge tilts his head to observe the corners: clean, crisp, tucked with a tightness that makes a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon weep with envy. Now:
The Duvet Cover WITH INSERT!
GASP! Whisper whisper….
WHAT?!
DID SHE SAY…? Whisper whisper….
NO!
YES!
GASP AGAIN!
Friends–we all know that duvet covers are garbage products invented by a cabal made up of pathetic, bitter former middle-school bullies determined to make us feel about ourselves. Getting that comforter into the cover is like wrestling a greasy 300-pound pig into a diaper. It’s one of those types of tasks that requires such patience, skill, and even strategy that couples should BE REQUIRED BY LAW to do it before they get married. If you cannot keep your shit together with your person while trying to stuff a wadded up mass of thick cloth into something as flimsy and unstable as a parachute as they yell at you “FIND THE TIES! FIND THE TIES!,” I’m sorry, your relationship is doomed. You think raising kids will be easier than putting together a duvet cover? Grow up.
But The Duvet Cover With Insert situation is no match for these first draft bed-making picks. I watched footage of this part of the competition several times and still don’t know how they are able to gracefully slide the insert into place and position it precisely within the cover with the confidence of RFK swimming in a sewage treatment plant. However, it does appear to involve some kind of mating ritual with the cover, so perhaps it’s better for some things to remain a mystery.
And lastly:
Pillow Talk
The final movement of the program involves putting the pillows into their cases and placing them, expertly aligned, at the head of the freshly made bed. Honestly, after the duvet cover sorcery this part is anti-climactic. There’s not even any mints or lavender sprigs. You will never attract the attention of the olympic committee with that kind of clown show oversight. C’mon now!
Then again, maybe the Chinese are not that interested in taking things to the next level. There already is The Housekeeping Olympics, which takes place at The International Sanitary Supply Association (ISSA) Show in North America. Held in Las Vegas (because MTV’s Spring Break Cayamo House was already rented), the games feature teams from healthcare and hospitality competing in events such as bed-making, mop relays, and rapid vacuum races. Winners receive medals, trophies, and a story they can embarrass their teenagers with for decades to come–with video footage! The 2026 Housekeeping Olympics will not be held until sometime in the fall, so if you were worried about having to choose between watching Team USA hockey compete for the gold and Team Costco battle it out in the buffer pad toss, fret not. You can lie in your poorly made bed with your sheets coated in Funion dust streaming both.
Fitted sheets are not meant to be folded. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. My question: what is the story with these new pillow cases that act like little envelopes???? They have some sort of flap situation on the end and I HATE IT.
Also: do the Chinese have a dishwasher-loading competition? If they ever have a Marriage Olympics, the lead event will be watching a husband-wife team load a dishwasher together. If they are still married at the end of this, or twenty years of this, they win.
Making the bed from start to finish IS a work out! I was proud of myself for figuring out "hospital corners" but I am no match for these athletes