Put a Ballroom In It!

This, please, but not as dull (Image by Alvin via Unsplash)

From towering Triumphal Epic Freedom Arches to the installation of the Kid Rock Patriot Sculpture Garden and Trailer park, it is rewarding to see the many beautification projects taking shape across the country. However, the most vital and important of these remains the big, beautiful ballroom.

That the White House has not had this feature until now is the very definition of tragic and an affront to everything America stands for, namely, cheap labor, illegal contracts, and gold leafing.

Look, the simple truth is that everything is better, cool, and way maxxier with a ballroom. The studies we made up don’t lie! How else will we retain our respected standing among nations if we lack the proper entertainment spaces required of a world superpower? This is why we’re moving forward with our most ambitious endeavor to date: building more ballrooms.

It’s no secret that the president has had his eye on the scenic Alcatraz Island for some time now. What can we say? When it comes to real estate, especially islands (WINK!), the Commander in Chief knows his stuff.

PUT A BALLROOM IN IT!

Retirement party? Class reunion? Criminal justice-themed Bar Mitzvah? Host your next gathering in the spacious ballroom surrounded by the concrete and steel remnants of one of America’s thrillingly shameful chapters in penitentiary history. Sweeping views of San Francisco delight your guests as they mill about on the precarious, rocky cliffs, realizing that they are literally trapped for the duration of the event.

And calling all billionaires and other members of the shadowy elite: This venue is also perfectly suited for your next masked orgy. Book early!

Let’s talk about The Grand Canyon. How long are we going to tip-toe to the edge of this giant hole in the ground, peer over the edge, say, “Oh neat,” and get back in our cars and drive away? That’s an Instagram post way too boring to break through the algorithm’s choke hold on snackable content. That’s money left on the table, folks, and that’s not the American way.

PUT A BALLROOM IN IT!

Imagine having your wedding in the lavish, state of the art ballroom tucked along the Canyon floor. Think of the dramatic entrance you’ll make on your fairytale day as you descend in the glass elevator carved into the North Rim. Now when people peer over the edge, they’ll be able to glimpse the multi-colored hues from the laser light show thanks to the ballroom’s high-tech lighting design. And they’ll also catch the dope beats of your wedding band, 2-Funks For the Price of Fun!, rocking the canyon with their 90s hip-hop medley. Push it real good, Aunt Katherine! We know what some of you are thinking: But how environmentally friendly is it? VERY. We only use water and electricity powered by the magnificent Colorado River, which our team of engineers, overseen by Eric and Donald Jr, have diverted for the express use of this structure only.

And there is Gettysburg. Yes, it’s technically a battlefield where one of the country’s most horrific conflicts played out, the blood of our native sons and daughters forever soaked into the soil. But nothing erases a national tragedy and revises historical memory like shiny, new construction!

PUT A BALLROOM IN IT!

The Gettysburg Ballroom is dying (HA!) to play host for your company conference or corporate retreat. Doubling as an expo center, the Gettysburg Ballroom is the swankiest go-to location for your group’s off-site. Picture sitting in the opulent gold and marble surroundings while listening to the riveting panel on Assistive Technology for Long-Term Care Facilities. Splashy! Just think about how much more you’ll get out of your break-out sessions in plush rooms that can also withstand a terrorist attack. That’s focus and peace of mind that only money can buy.

Reenactors, we haven’t forgotten about you, you kooky history nuts! The Gettysburg Ballroom is ready to be the proud sponsor of Civil War Con: a four-day extravaganza of talks, exhibitions, and reenactments focused on the hottest of all wars fought on American land. Whether you’re team Robert E. Lee or shook for General Sherman, Civil War Con at the Gettysburg Ballroom is sure to be the most talked about ‘con of the year. Don’t be left behind like some loser soldier on the field-sign up for tix and alerts.

We believe that the ballroomification of America represents a major leap in raising the nation out of its dull, sensible khakis and into its tux, top hat, and Totalitarianism era. You’re welcome, citizens!