Onboarding 2026
Hello 2026!
Welcome to the team! We’re cautiously optimistic about working together.
We wanted to take this opportunity to familiarize you with our expectations moving forward in the hopes of setting everyone up for a manageable 365 days ahead.
You noticed I didn’t use a word like “successful.” Yes, that was deliberate. Good catch! We try not to set the aspirational bar too high with designations like “epic,” “outstanding,” and “most amazing.” We’ve been burned in the past; see: 1929, 1941, 1963, 1968, 1970 (because disco), politically speaking most of the 1980s, 2001, and pretty much the last decade. We also frown upon attempting to claim the year as one’s own. We know you’re under enough pressure without trying to get the Ellens and Stacis out there engaged or promoted or rescued from that cult.
We know that you probably have a lot of energy and are ready to take some big swings. Though we applaud your enthusiasm, let’s nudge that horse back in the corral, okay? Listen, we’re not asking for anything fancy or complicated. No need for any razzle dazzle, alright? In fact, we can start with some basics: don’t kill us.
No alien invasions; no sudden, startling “rise of the machines” to enslave humans; no unpredictable rogue asteroid wiping out the southern hemisphere; and definitely no lab engineered Godzilla wrecking havoc anywhere please and thank you.
You can also shelve virulent strains of weird, highly contagious airborne viruses. Actually, feel free to remove any germ-related catastrophes from your to-do list. In case you’re not up to speed on your predecessor’s accomplishments, let’s just say that America is barely in a position to handle an outbreak of poison ivy let alone the return of smallpox. Also, we’d appreciate weather without prefixes such as “super” and “mega;” ditto on anything resembling a “bombogenesis” or “bomb cyclone.” Just nothing that meteorologists can compare to nuclear artillery. And if you are wondering about creating a new category classification of hurricanes, something along the lines of a “It’s a Category Q-9, Chet! Hope your affairs are in order!”---please know there are no funds in the budget for that at this time.
We recognize that you’re coming in with some global turmoil on the books. We’re deeply sympathetic; it’s not your fault! Let us say, again, 2025 was a handful–it was like Rick James and Charlie Sheen on a 52-week bender chaperoned by the Tasmanian Devil. A lot got out of our hands quickly and, well, honestly by July we just kind of stopped trying.
Our point is, we know you’ve inherited a little illegal invasion down there in South America that feels very war crimey. Awkward. You might be tempted to fix it by introducing something splashier: Dolly Parton getting to rule a small country; the McRib a permanent menu item. Trust us when we say the novelty will fade faster than you think. Remember, this is the era of 6-7 and Waymos. It’s not every year that gets a moon landing or a Bowie concept album, c’mon. The best you can hope for is a reboot of The Jersey Shore to take everyone’s minds off this mess.
This is also a good place to mention that you may find your DMs blowing up with requests by the American people for something our legal department says we may refer to as “trash removal.” We deny any knowledge of all inquiries. However, we’d like to draw your attention to the line item in the budget on page 562 marked “sinkholes, spontaneous combustion, and birthday party expenses.”
But look, we don’t want to stifle your creativity. You still have plenty of responsibilities! Getting us through the Winter Olympics without the American government causing some kind of humiliating international incident would be swell. A Janet Jackson comeback could be very fun. Might we strongly recommend making women’s hats a fashion trend alla Mayim Bialik’s plucky Blossom? How about gas prices just stay pretty much the same? Pleasant! And honestly you will want to save all your energy and focus for the wedding of the century anyway. Swift Nation is looking to you to make Taylor and Travis’ fairytale nups the stuff of at least three more albums and possibly a Broadway show! So, that’s quite enough, don’t you think?
In conclusion,
Welcome 2026! We look forward to your boring, uneventful tenure.
Do not fuck this up for us.
Sincerely,
Human Corp. LLC
Great advice/predictions! Mars is looking appealing these days. Maybe a good vacation spot?
Absolutely brilliant satire. The "America is barely in a position to handle an outbreak of poison ivy let alone the return of smallpox" line lands perfectly bc it captures the exhaustion-driven lowered expectations we've all internalized without admitting it. The budget line item for "sinkholes, spontaneous combustion, and birthday party expenses" is chef's kiss level bureaucratic dark humor. I've definately been part of organizations that approach new years this way, where even basic functioning feels like aspirational goal-setting. The Taylor Swift wedding mandate at the end ties it all together, recognizing that Swift Nation has more institutional power than most governemnts.