Love is Blind-ish

Lovey McLoverstein ©SheilaMoeschenPhotography

The reality show Love is Blind might be shooting a season in Boston. There have been reports of camera crews filming B-roll (extraneous footage) around State Street, which is in the heart of downtown Boston, and at The New England Aquarium (our fish zoo). It’s a thrill anytime the city is featured in movies or on TV. It’s like seeing someone you went to high school with in the Olympics. Suddenly you are both very proud and protective of the place that you endlessly shred. WE can make fun of the Brutalist abomination that is City Hall Plaza, but Reddit user GaryJ, have some RESPECT!

If this is true, it also means we’ll get to see a parade of colorful New England stereotypes on full display: the mega Pat’s fan; the awkward software/tech person; the girl from Maine who grew up working on her parents’ clamming boat; someone from The Dropkick Murphys. For once no one will complain about how terrible the accents are BECAUSE THAT IS HOW THEY REALLY ARE! I will root for each and every one of them finally “ready to get serious about love” and some kind of endorsement deal from Tripp’n Mobile–it’s a phone AND vape pen!

Love is Blind is what I call a garbage bag show. I can say this having watched more than a few seasons. I’m not ashamed. I continue to defend the last season of LOST. Love is Blind is ridiculous and formulaic and, as I said, trashy, contrived, and pretty cringe at times. However, the show positions itself as a “social experiment,” as if it were running on philanthropic funding like The Kinsey Report and not advertisements for Hims ED supplements.

The essential premise riffs on the question of how important is physical appearance when looking for a mate. Can you fall for someone’s mind and how they make you feel? Everyone nods because no one wants to come across as shallow or superficial. And so we also give ourselves temporary amnesia to forget that time that we broke up with someone because we couldn’t get past their overbite.

The way the show “tests” this premise is the most engrossing part, I think. It starts with something like 15 males and 15 females who are sequestered in separate dorm-like spaces. They conduct a series of blind dates via rooms called “pods.” Think Bloomingdale’s dressing rooms with chips and salsa and fuzzy pillows. They can’t see one another, but they can talk to each other through an opaque kind of wall. They’re not supposed to reveal any kind of information about their appearance. I noticed that in the early stages the couples will have sets of questions or conversation prompts to help them facilitate the date. But here’s the thing–the cards have those cutesy, campfire type questions. When was the last time you cried? What’s one thing that really scares you? If you could have any superpower what would it be and why?

If it were me, I would want to get right into the deep end with the other person. Do you think it was a mistake to overturn Roe? Why or why not? What are your views on climate change? Do you recycle or just say that you do? Name three things you would do to combat systemic racism. Here’s the scenario: we’re driving on a dark, deserted road; it’s 2 am; a person stumbles out of the shadows and despite trying to swerve, you hit him. Do you call the cops, keep going? These are all reasonable things to explore in “the pods” as you search for THE ONE, and it pains me that no one has brought this level of exploration to their quasi-solitary confinement dates. I don’t need to know the name of your tenth grade science teacher who changed your life. Is Mrs. Talbot going to defend me in front of your coworkers when I bring up my views about the death penalty? Yeah, I thought so.

After a bunch of these dates the men have to decide if they are going to take it the next step: a proposal. I know. I KNOW! For realsies–this dating show goes to 11. If the person says “yes” they set up a dramatic reveal scene where it is very, very obvious that each individual is relieved the other is “hot.” And, yes, sure, also my soul speaks to your soul and all that jazz. But mostly, phew, thank goodness you don’t have scales.

There are typically 5 couples who make it to this point. What happens next feels a lot like that “last call” moment at the bar at the end of the night. The couples leave the dating incubators and are spit out into the harsh light of day where they are put through a series of compressed relationship experiences that take place over the course of about four weeks: they go on a short romantic vacation with the other engaged couples; they meet each others’ families and friends; they move in together; and they plan a wedding.

Again, I’m tuned in for the curious anthropological angle of it all. Because now all of these relationship milestones come with their own hidden kill switches. What if his friends are complete donut heads that you cannot stand? In real life you’d probably be able to hide your irritation better than you would with a bunch of 4D cameras in your face. What if her stepdad is a Civil War reenactor who expects you to suit up for Old Glory? In most seasons the couples meet with each others’ families over lunch or at someone’s house. They could really amp things up by making it Thanksgiving dinner or someone’s quinceanera. How about dropping by cousin Steve’s intervention? Producers-DM me, my consulting rates are very reasonable.

The last phase of the show involves wedding planning as well as the climactic moment of truth at the altar. “Wedding planning” is misleading because the producers have already set up the venue and orchestrated it so that the bride gets to choose from a selection of dresses from a dedicated vendor. It’s all champagne with the girls and a lot of crying because she looks like a princess in her dress. It is not a shouting match in the parking lot of Target over disinviting her sorority sisters because everything is majorly over budget thanks to the vintage arcade games he just HAD to have as part of the reception.

Finally it’s wedding day! Just because the couple has made it to the literal altar doesn’t mean that anyone is going to actually get married. I know. I KNOW! The couples get to that crucial part of the ceremony where they either “do or do not take” and it is truly a 50/50 horse race, nail biter, seat squirmer situation. Making it all the way through this exhausting “social experiment” only to hear, “I do not take you, Halee” is some harsh barley that definitely leaves a mark. You think getting stood up on prom night is rough, try going through that with a camera crew and thousands of people live tweeting your humiliation and misery. That endorsement deal should be with Zoloft.

But maybe, in the end, it’s all worth it to find “the one,” the person who will stick by you through good editing and bad, for better or worse reality show gigs, till your agent drops you. Amen.