Headlines We Could Use Right Now

For anyone burnt out on our five-alarm living

Image by Melpo Tsiliaki via Unsplash

Congress Works Together to Approve Spending Bill that Benefits All Americans

Neighbors Think New Muslim Family ‘Really Cool.’

Endangered Species List Shrinks to 3

Nation’s Top Tech Bros Retire, Hand over Companies to Super Qualified Women

Middle-East Peace Talks Run Long Because Everyone Having a Good Time Hanging Out Together

Nobody Cares About Owning Guns Anymore

Are Libraries Becoming Too Popular?

With No Wars in Sight Military Takes Up Knitting

Study Finds Kids Polite

Warlords Make Career Pivot, ‘We’ve always thought about running a flower shop’

Everyone Cool with Everyone Else’s Religious Preferences

America’s Teachers Have Bigger Budget Than They Know What to Do With

Great Barrier Reef Upgraded to Awesome Barrier Reef

New Potato Salad Recipe Has Everyone Talking

Iconic Sports Legend Also Really Good Person

Research Reveals Women Do Not Need to Improve Themselves

Animal Shelters Go Out of Business, ‘Everyone’s pets have great homes’

Film Studios Race to Bankroll Movies With Happy Endings

Grocery Store Prices Slashed Again, Retailers: ‘Pretty soon we’re just going to start giving avocados away for free’

Aliens Make Contact With Earth, ‘We have some helpful suggestions, let’s talk’

Nation Passes Rainy Day Reading Books

Medical Experts Suggest Chilling Out More

Bus Drivers Now Making Six Figures

World’s Aging Population Beloved and So Darn Respected

Congress Signs Bill Making 3-Day Work Week Federal Law

Pollution Falls to Record Lows, Scientists Now Have More Time to Spend with their Families

Clowns Agree to Quit Terrifying People

World Leaders Ask ‘How am I doing?,’ Set Up 1-800 Number for People to Respond

Starting First of the Month Capitalism to Benefit Everyone

Neighborhood Has Too Many Lemonade Stands to Choose From

People Leave Recently Split Celebrity Super Couple Alone