Press Release
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
February 26, 2025
FDA/Department of Health and Human Services
Contact:
Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. Head Department Head and Chief Fun Guy
FIGHTING FOOD WOKISM!
(Washington, D.C.)--As the Chief Head Guy of the Department of Health and Human Services, I have a sworn duty to the American people to keep my finger on the pulse (medical term, see? Suck it, Democrats!) of the nation’s health and probably some other stuff. We are dedicated to continuing and expanding upon the very legal work of this administration. Specifically we are taking up the cause of rooting out the dangerous, evil, super yucky DEI elements wherever they may be found. Thanks to the efforts of some of the great folks on loan to us from DOGE–Dmitri, Ivan, Nikolai, and Scooter–we have identified a new “woke” threat area: Food.
Personally I love food! If you ask my brain worm, Earl, I AM food! But the fact that we have “wokism” in the grocery aisle is appalling and cannot stand. Though it is a nice pivot away from the riDONKulous egg prices, which are definitely not coming down during this administration’s term. Just, don’t think about it, you guys. Okay?
We are taking our “woke” food fight right to the enemy—announcing the immediate cancellation of the following products:
Rainbow Carrots: It is now extremely clear that the gays and their agenda are, literally, everywhere. They are in our schools turning kids gay; they are in libraries turning books gay; and they are even in aviation turning our planes gay (Spirit Airlines, we see you!). And now they’ve come for your carrots. That’s right. The humble carrot: the beloved snack kids sing about: “I scream! You scream! We all scream for our favorite orange root vegetable!” Carrots are as American as AK-47s and juvenile diabetes. In fact, carrots played a huge role in America’s founding story. The Indians were a dying people until the gifted Colonists showed up and taught them how to plant carrots to survive. PS: YOU’RE WELCOME! We’ll not have this Rainbow Carrot scourge impact one more heterosexual family dinner hour. We need carrots to keep our eyes healthy, not lure America’s youth into musical theatre.
Black Radishes: Everyone knows that “radish” comes from the Latin “RED-ish.” It is a RED vegetable. We were incensed to learn that black radishes have taken up positions in the grocery store where red radishes deserve to be. Why should that red radish be displaced just because a black radish happens to be in the same crop? It’s a real slap in the face to the legacy radishes, the radishes planted in the best soil, grown at ivy league farms and told their whole lives to just sit tight, do nothing, and eventually they’ll make it to the top of a salad in a Michelin star restaurant. We will not abandon you, our bitter red friends!
Hemp Milk, Oat Milk, and Almond Milk: Milk should come from two places only: a cow or a woman’s breast. PEDAL THAT GARBAGE IN AMSTERDAM, HIPPIES!
Edamame: We don’t know what this is exactly, but it sounds too much like a girl’s name. No.
Greek Yogurt: We’ve seen your lewd art (so many naked butts!). It’s not exactly a leap to surmise that your food values are just as corrupt. Infiltrating America’s Industrial Dairy Complex is a bridge too far. We don’t want your democracy, Greece, and we sure as hell don’t want your yogurt, which probably comes from donkeys.
Sensitive Marinara: Imagine our shock when we learned that a number of tomato sauce manufacturers have been brainwashed into creating a product made without onions and garlic. They market this as “sensitive marinara.” Need we remind you that the only reason there hasn’t been a major vampire outbreak in America is due to the hardworking, tireless garlic farmers? Clearly this is part of a liberal, deep state plot to collapse America’s onion and garlic crops. Anyone pushing “sensitive marinara” is anti-farmer (boo!) and PRO-vampire! (gasp!).
Furthermore, “sensitive marinara” promotes a damaging “woke AND weak” identity narrative. We need American food products to represent and reflect the qualities that defined the kind of leaders and winners that have made America #1 in real life and not just in most of the Rocky movies. To that end, we are excited to have the following items in a market testing phase: Tough Nutz! cereal; Macho Nacho Chips; Walk it Off protein and energy bars; MANaide power drink substance.
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I am dead. My ghost is also dead.
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LMAO! So many great lines. I want to highlight the entire thing.
"PEDAL THAT GARBAGE IN AMSTERDAM, HIPPIES!"