Animal Planet

Humans are making less and less sense to me these days. We are kind of sucking all over the place. I guess that’s why I’ve been drawn to things in the news unrelated to the big and small ways we are hastening our own extinction. For instance, I spent a blissful five minutes reading an article about how scientists worked to determine the exact shade of blue in a Jackson Pollack painting. It is manganese blue in case you were wondering. To that end, dispatches from the animal kingdom almost never disappoint. Here are two that grabbed my attention:

Koalas STDS and YOU!

Good news coming out of Australia. Koalas are finally getting some much needed relief for their blistering chlamydia situation. A team from the University of the Sunshine Coast (UniSC) has developed a one jab vaccine that is a real game changer for these raunchy little maniacs. Chlamydia is a sexually transmitted disease that never quite made it into one of those very special episodes of Mr. Belvedere. Evidently this nasty sex germ has been putting a real kink in the swerve of one of the world’s most adorable marsupials. Koalas: cute AND sloppy! Who knew? I did not.

This is actually very serious. The Australian wild koala population is already endangered. Now, thanks to this odious, naughty-parts pathogen, koalas are on teetering on the edge of finite no bueno: the infection rate runs as high as 70% with “the clam” accounting for nearly 50% of koala deaths. Male and female koalas can contract the disease, which also puts joeys at risk of infection via their mother’s milk. Boy, we just LOVE shaming females, don’t we? AND DON’T EVEN THINK OF TAKING ANY TYLENOL WHILE YOU’RE PREGGERS, MS. KOALA! Whore.

Up until now treatment has been severely lacking. Clearly those What To Know About STDs health class pamphlets have not worked. And we get it, who wants to have that conversation with your date: Hey, Jerry. Before we go back to your tree, you should probably know something…

Scientists tried administering antibiotics, but they ended up harming the koala’s gut bacteria making it impossible for them to digest food. Who knew that there was such a “Sophie’s choice” drama playing out in the Australian outback for decades?! Thankfully the tide could be turning for those cuddly pervs. The next hurdle involves funding (of course) as well as the tricky process of locating and catching koalas to inoculate. I recommend setting up a Tinder type app. You can call it WildRrr! All those horny koalas up to the business (WINK) in one place–like fish in a barrel, like dirty, randy fish in a barrel.

We are all this goddamn tired ass bear. Image by Mark Basarab, via Unsplash

Belly Up! IT’S FAT BEAR WEEK!

Do you know about this? You probably did, wicked cool kid that you ahhhr! Given the minute to minute abominations making up our days right now, I feel like a joyful, unapologetic celebration of gluttony should get more lead time. Like if you could watch the Great British Baking Show contestants make and then happily just rip into each other’s confections at the end of each episode. Maybe while Paul Hollywood DJs at a baking station in the back. I think this is the collective release and joy we need right now. Fat Bear Week will have to do!

Fat Bear Week is a competition by bears for bears to see which one can add the most bulk going into hibernation. The grand prize: NOT dying over the winter! It takes place amongst the big, furry gals and guys of Alaska’s Katmai National Park and Preserve, the fourth largest national park in America.

The contest began in 2014 as a one day tournament hosted by park rangers on Katmai’s Facebook page (back when that smoldering latrine explosion of a platform was still good for something other than scams and election interference). The event was such a success it became annual, expanded over the course of a week and has only grown in popularity. In 2024 over one million votes came in from over 100 different countries! That is a lot of “I don’t want to pay attention to this Zoom call meeting!”

What to know!

Brooks Falls is the primary waterway where bears congregate to hunt for salmon. For a bear to even be CONSIDERED for this prestigious, caloric-heavy contest, he or she must be a regular at Brooks Falls in both early and late summer. This is so people can see how the bear’s body mass has changed from its post-hibernation-beach body to its more voluptuous anti-starvation-physique. Park rangers ultimately determine who makes the cut. This is not only based on body mass changes, but also on the bear’s backstory and history. That’s right, even bears have to go through the reality show competition garbage of offering a compelling profile. It was always my dream to make it to Fat Bear Week. I’m doing it for my father who taught me everything I know about, um, catching salmon and, uh, eating salmon.

The lucky hefty folks are narrowed down to about a dozen. The rangers arrange them in a March Madness bracket-style voting tree. Explore.org has a live stream of Brooks Falls and it is the most pleasant way to dissociate that I’ve come across in weeks! You can cast your vote at The Otis Fund as well as make a donation, with all proceeds going to benefit Katmai. The Otis Fund is named after Otis, the OG Fat Bear Week champ. Otis came back to reclaim the title in 2016, 2017, and 2021. Media Ranger Naomi Boak described Otis as a Zen master: “He was recorded catching 42 fish in an hour. He deserved to be champion.” Though Otis has not been seen or heard from in several years–perhaps he slipped off to Miami or built himself a nice cabin somewhere in the Swiss Alps where he’s finally getting to work on that detective novel–his legacy lives on.

I think this year’s event is setting up to be a burner. The rangers have been reporting that Brooks’ has a surplus of salmon, which is good news for those chubsters, but bad news for the salmon. Who do we have on the leaderboard? Here’s where my money is at:

32 Chunk. Strong start with that name. 32 Chunk has been observed devouring something like 42 salmon in ten hours. Show off or channeling the spirit of Otis? Either way–ignore the 32 Chunk at your own peril.

128 Grazer. Again, great branding here. 128 Grazer was 2023’s FBW champ and a mom. If you don’t think this gives her an edge, you clearly don’t know anything about mothers. Their time and attention is constantly hijacked, not to mention they can’t even squat behind a bush in peace! This mama bear will dominate at the fishing spot out of sheer spite and repressed frustration (no judgement). But 128 Grazer’s story gets juicier: in July of 2024 one of her cubs died after sustaining injuries by………32 CHUNK! GASP! Is FBW 2025 where this score gets settled? Tune in!!

909. Don’t let the mysterious David Lynchian name fool you. I think 909 could be a come from behind to eat it all kind of dark bear in this race. She is the daughter of 2018 champ, Beadnose, is a champ at the salmon snatching game, and a note in her profile mentions that she “practices self-care.” This is a bear who is strong, self-determined, focused, and most importantly, knows she needs to take breaks, light a scented candle if that helps, maybe listen to some Sarah McLachlan. 909’s got this; she’s not going to get burnt out!

2025 Fat Bear Week is off to the races and will wrap September 30. Vote early and often!

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Announcey Bits!

BOOKS! I got’em right here….

Not yet banned and still a very good way to avoid having to talk to people on public transportation! Add to cart (repeat):

The League of Extraordinarily Funny Women: 50 Trailblazers of Comedy (Running Press)

Boston and Beyond: Discovering Cities, Harbors, and Country Charms (Globe Pequot)

Book Lovers’ New England: A Guide to Literary Landmarks (Spring 2026 from Globe Pequot)