Petty Hexes!

Spells to shield you from the modern moron!

Friends–life is, like, a lot right now, isn’t it? A broiling planet. Political division. TikTok: The Musical. And if that all wasn’t enough, annoying people continue to multiply like Gremlins caught in downspout. 

I think we all know the type. These are the people who take up two parking spaces–at an angle. Who abandon their grocery carts in the middle of the lot. Who actually forward the chain letter email. Who stop in the middle of a rotary (IT. IS. NOT. AN INTERSECTION!). Who cut in line and talk loudly on their phones or hands-free devices in public spaces and mansplain and chew too loudly and readily use catch phrases from the 90s without a hint of irony. I mean, talk to the hand on that one, okay? 

But here’s the thing: the folks who give us jaw grind are not just randos. They’re in our families and friend groups; they are our co-workers and colleagues and ex-romantic partners and neighbors. But not you, Friend. You are perfection! The irritating and chronically idiotic are impossible to shake. What to do? How to cope with those who exsanguinate every drop of our patience? That’s where Petty Hexes come in!

Petty Hexes are designed to help you exercise that desire to sprinkle a pinch of inconvenience to someone’s day, to add a dash of the uncomfortable into someone’s routine, to scatter a handful of “it sucks to you be you” energy into another person’s life. If cast with the right potency and intention, these hexes can produce marvelous ego deflation, powerful ridicule, and more than a bit of satisfaction.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Isn’t it just a little immature to secretly want Doug who constantly interrupts me during meetings to take a bite into his breakfast burrito and get a mouthful of wet dryer lint?” Friend, I see you. Here is my rejoinder: One: possibly. Two, and most importantly: No. Here’s why. Being able to relish Doug’s minor discomfort if only for a few minutes, or, with the help of a viral video, until the end of days, absolutely outweighs any guilty feelings about your more juvenile impulses.

“Okay,” you say, “But does it make me a bad person?”

Another valid question. We both know you’re not cruel or heartless. You don’t actually want your infuriating brother to contract some kind of flesh-eating bacteria. But if that brother happened to wind up on the no-fly list, would it be a tragedy? Friend: It would not.

So go ahead and scrub that search history for “arson” and, instead, use that potent small-mindedness to work for you. They say revenge is a dish best served cold. I say revenge is a dish best served lukewarm, under seasoned, and missing half its garnish. Don’t get mad, get petty!

Disclaimer: Spooky cemetery NOT required for Petty Hexing, but it sure does set the mood, right? ©SheilaMoeschenPhotography

How It Works:

Petty Hexing may require a little bit of trial and error. Messing with the laws of the Universe is not a precise science. Just ask anyone who has given themselves a home perm. But once you find what works for you, you’ll be firing off Petty Hexes with Simone Biles-level of skillery (real word). Here’s how:

Find a quiet, private space. Gather the suggested materials and arrange them in an arty way that makes your Instagram capture really “pop” (#PettyHexes). Now recite the Master Spell. Think of this as the flour and yeast and water to your bread recipe—it’s the foundation, the building blocks of the shallow-minded energy you wish to gather. Once you have canted the Master Spell, simply choose from one or more of the Helpful Hex suggestions if applicable or create one of your own! I recommend reciting your Petty Hex at least three times. However, if you feel particularly aggrieved, there truly is no limit to the number of times you can enthusiastically mention how great it would be if the hurricane made landfall just as Brenda and her new girlfriend checked into the tropical resort. Friend: Petty Hexes is a judgment free zone.

Petty Hexes: A Sample Platter

Work: Hex the Desk

Managerius Moronicum

Does the mere mention of that supervisor, team leader, shift manager, or pretentious executive who seems to have a natural gift for making your life more dreary set your teeth on edge and cause your head to throb (but not in the good recreational drug kind of way). It does. Such is the all-too-unfair matrix of corporate hierarchy. While you keep to the speed limit in your lane, the less competent, less talented, and far less attractive person screeches past, cuts you off, and takes a hard right onto the off-ramp for SUCCESS TOWN, population: NOT YOU. It’s maddening. It’s baffling. It’s never your fault—I believe you! Your mother is wrong. So while you’re making the best of your sloth’s climb up the company ladder, you might as well get some petty digs in on your professional Overlords along the way.

Materials:

A recent paystub

Green candle

“Best Boss” coffee mug

Master Spell:

Shift Overlord

Lots of flare

Corner office

Herman Miller chair

Expense account

Special discount

Stock options

In big amounts

MBA

Bad toupee

You know where to

Stick

That 2% raise

Helpful Hexes

I hope the bad shellfish hits you in the middle of your keynote to the shareholders.

I hope your office gets bedbugs.

I hope the 20-something who buys the company lays you off first.

I hope no one shows up to testify in court on your behalf.

Relationships: Hex the Ex 

They deserve it. Who isn’t on your side? Stacy G? She was always jealous of that special bond the two of you had mostly on Facebook. Whatever, Stacy G! We know the truth. They broke your heart. They promised 4-eva and disappeared as soon as the vacation was paid off. We’ve all been there. It’s a wise and stable person who doesn’t give into their elaborate and likely illegal revenge dreams, but who, instead, focuses all of their energy on wishes for a thousand small miseries to befall the one who ran, or, um, got away.

The Swiftus

Break-ups can be brutal. Rejection is a tough enough pill to swallow without having to square with the fact that you can kiss those Beats by Dre headphones goodbye, like, forever. These hexes can help you move out of the blinding pain stage and settle nicely into that mellow, low point of: “If you do happen to find happiness before I do, I hope it gives you chlamydia.”

Materials:

Albums or playlists featuring any of the following: Taylor Swift, Rhianna, Alanis Morrisette, Christina Aguilera, or just blast Beyonce’s “Irreplaceable” on repeat until your speakers fry. 

Purple candle

Your driver’s license

Item of clothing that reminds you of your ex: a Raiders cap, a flowy scarf, their baby shoes that you totally did not break into their parents’ house to steal

Master Spell:

Fly away and be free

You never meant that much to me

DOES MY SAD

MAKE YOU SAD?

DOES IT?

DOES IT?

DOES IT?

Forget it, whatever, I don’t care

Don’t text me back

Don’t creep on my Insta

I’M NOT POSTING FOR YOU!

Forget it, whatever, I don’t care

I’m deleting your contact

Not looking back

DOES MY SAD

MAKE YOU SAD?

DOES IT?

DOES IT?

DOES IT?

Forget it, whatever, I don’t care

Helpful Hexes:

I hope your band makes it big without you.

I hope they are a “couples’ costume” kind of person and that costume is always something from the movie musical Xanadu.

I hope they name a new STD after you.

I hope you realize you look exactly like their mom.

Families: Mom Liked You Best, Hex

When the years of therapy fail to help you cope with the sister who shirks responsibility or the cousin who stole your kidney, it’s time to add some Petty Hexes for Family in the mix. When it comes to your family, you are a breeze and a delight, Friend. I know this. THEY know this (but will never admit it, especially your twin—selfish, jealous!). Like the story behind someone’s “perfect blueberry muffin” on their recipe blog, family dynamics are often complicated, inscrutable, and mind-numbingly boring. No need to cut anyone out of the will—yet. There’s plenty of pettiness to go around.

Materials

A family album

A yellow candle

A third grade report card or any type of paper craft of theirs that Mom lovingly preserved while yours were used to stuff the cracks in the attic to keep out the draft

A shot of Tequila 

Master Spell:

Mmmm-bop!

Mmmm-bop!

Hand-me-down pants

Hand-me-down tops

You messed with my stuff

I call your bluff

YOU’RE THE JAN!

YOU’RE THE JAN!

YOU’RE THE JAN!

Helpful Hexes:

I hope no one recognizes you at the high school reunion.

I hope Mom moves in with you. 

I hope the termites discovered in the new lake house are an environmentally protected species.  

I hope the promotion goes to someone less qualified. 

“Quoth the Raven, Hex some more!” Whatever! I made it BETTER, okay Poe? It’s called a REMIX! Gawd, get out of the nineteenth-century already. ©SheilaMoeschenPhotography