Pets are People Too!

I saw that the woman approaching me was dragging a black cart behind her. It looked a little like a luggage cart or hand truck that you see at garden centers and Home Depot. I was on the dirt section of a bike path that winds through a nature preserve. The paved lanes run parallel to the estuary, which is typically where bikers and others with things like wheelie bags tend to traffic. It’s not law or anything, but more about common courtesy. The trail in the preserve is narrow with a pond on one side and woods on the other, and you often have to share the road with disgruntled geese, paranoid ducks, and the occasional anxious rabbit. So it took me by surprise to see someone trailing a contraption that looked like she was on her way to set up a booth at the career fair.

And then I noticed what was on the cart: a black mesh carrier. It definitely seemed like it was made out of some type of porous material–let’s call it poly-something-enviornmentally-sus. There were screen panels on three sides. In the front one I saw a small, adorable tabby cat crouched and peering out at me. She wore an expression that said either TOTALLY FREAKED OUT IN HERE, MAN! Or I’M THE CAPTAIN NOW! Definitely a toss up.

The young woman pulling the trolley-cat-car was wearing a backpack. The bike path intersects with one of the train stations. She might have been coming back from a trip and didn’t want to hand carry the cat carrier so chose the wagoneering option. Or, I wondered, is this how she takes her cat out for a walk? Is that even something cats are doing now? I had two cats growing up that, aside from tolerating us as the source of food, barely registered our existence. I’m pretty sure they would have actually laughed if I had tried to get them to go out for a walk. Regardless, this cat was getting quite the treatment, paraded through the nature preserve like Cleopatra or, in this case, CleoCATtra!

Please clap.

Good for her, sure, but where are we headed with this kind of pet pampering?

“Yeah, can you believe it? The human gave me a damn bell to ring when I need something! They are, like, so easy to train.” (Image by Matt Walsh via Unsplash)

In the last few years I’ve noticed an uptick in the doggie stroller. I am not judging. There are many reasons for the doggie stroller and most of them are legit: old age in general, bad hips, sensitive paws; maybe the dog is recovering from surgery, or maybe she just really enjoys sticking it to her doggie friends who are still slumming it on all fours. My hairdresser mentioned that she recently got a doggie stroller for her Yorkie who is having some health issues that suspiciously coincided with getting her anal glands cleaned. The dog, that is, not my hairdresser.

But more importantly, I believe that you don’t need a reason for a stroller or a cart or a swaddle-snuggle-wrap for Bethel the teacup poodle. It’s nobody’s business. If they decide to make it their business, then you have every right to disabuse them of this notion in whatever way you see fit to express, but it should involve at least one finger or another gesture that unequivocally states: “Up your nose with a rubber hose. Twice as far with a marathon bar.”

Pets of all shapes, sizes, and species that are legal bring us endless joy and fulfillment. Companionship, solace, and healing–they are often emotional constants, treasured like family members. In some cases they are loved, respected, and even preferred to those human family members.

Yet.

Yet.

When you do procure the stroller, the wagon, the buggy, the scooter you’re sending a message, aren’t you? No, no, no don’t get up! Please, don’t expend any extra energy. Allow me to cater to YOU. Your needs come first, of course! I only want YOU to be happy. Don’t worry about me, exerting the effort to push YOU in the stroller up and down those hills. I’m not worried about my old, creaky knees. I don’t have a bad back or arthritis, at least not everywhere, not yet. You settle in; sit back and enjoy the ride. Yes, we’ll be sure to time it so that you happen to run into your friends. There you’ll be, out cruising like a gangsta in a 90s hip-hop video, like a furry little monarch greeting the inferiors.

By all means, lavish Ziggy or Ollie or Pickle with all kinds of creature comforts. But don’t be surprised when your dogg-o, who has gotten a taste of the sweet ass stroller LYFE, takes a more “like, whatever” approach to her canine responsibilities. When she greets the Amazon delivery person with a “could we just not?” sigh instead of the ferocious barking that could really come in handy someday, don’t blame the breed. You think after all this indulging that Zuzu is going to race into a burning house to save anyone? Think again my friend. She’s on the lawn barking: MY STROLLER! MY STROLLER! SAVE MY STROLLER!! It’s the same with those stories of people who are out somewhere remote with their dogs. The person gets injured and the dog stays with them. That’s because it’s too far for them to walk! You know that dog is all, “Where’s the stroller, Chad? You could have sprung for the REI Dogpod XR7. But no! You wanted to surprise Jessica with a trip to Paris instead. Well who’s here and who got back with her fiance, Chad? Exactly.”

All I’m saying is that it’s a slippery slope, a Pandora’s box, a third cautionary themed metaphor when it comes to smudging the lines between animals and humans. There is a reality where over domestication (factual phrasionomy) takes hold. And that reality was recently glimpsed at an event held in Washington, D.C.

On June 14 the United States Army decided to celebrate its 250th Birthday on the same day of the birthday of a sitting U.S. president. This was total coincidence, unplanned, who knew, what are the odds, like very much once in a blue moon kind of thing that happened and there was nothing more to it than that THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER! There was a big parade in Washington that featured military vehicles, aircraft, and service people marching. It also included robot dogs per Defence Blog:

“Marching alongside traditional armor were autonomous robotic dogs—formally known as Quadruped Unmanned Ground Vehicles (Q-UGVs)—that navigated independently as part of the display.”

Navigated independently, you say. Great! Well that makes it much less of a cabinet of horrors, doesn’t it? Look closely, because this is the dark side of doggie stroller culture, my friends. A pet you can program. Until the AI systems in its software become fully sentient and it decides, “Why don’t YOU go out for a walk, Lisa? I’m the captain now.”