Park Place

“Tiny’s-” does not apply to terms of lease. ©SheilaMoeschenPhotography

We recently spent time in New York City, which is Algonquin for “Unaffordable.” We stayed in the Tribeca neighborhood. It’s a lovely area that makes hating on it no fun at all. Tribeca is actually short for “Triangle Below Canal Street” coined by Robert De Niro so he would have a cooler name for his film festival than Bobby De’s Flick Picks! The neighborhood is made up of beautifully restored and refurbished turn of the century industrial buildings with smart, red brick facades and unique architectural details. As if the area didn’t have enough curb appeal it is also home to New York City’s Hook & Ladder Company 8, which you also might know as the exterior location for the Ghostbusters’ headquarters.

“Bustin makes me FEEL good!” Look, it’s the LAW to belt out the song here! I DON’T MAKE THE RULES! ©SheilaMoeschenPhotography

I could easily live there. I mean, if i could live there easily, I would. While we were wandering around we passed a caviar store. An entire retail space dedicated to selling tiny jars of even tinier fish eggs for a not-at-all-tiny cost. The store was called Marky’s Caviar. Given the area I would expect a store like that to have a snootier name; maybe something like Pomfret du Monde Le Sac De Couchage Caviar Co. Esq. By appointment only. But I was relieved that the nice people of Tribeca don’t have to haul ass up or across town for their caviar. Always a plus when you’re in the market to buy or rent: What are the schools like here? How close is the nearest purveyor of the finest roe?

I can’t throw stones at Tribeca (unless they are ancient stones polished from a river flowing through the Andes) because when it comes to cost of living, Boston is not much better. There are fewer and fewer neighborhoods where people of any age range can plant roots. Still, that hasn’t stopped developers from carving up blocks to install those blights of mixed commercial-living spaces. Gone is the great local Irish bar with live music four nights a week and graffiti from the 80s clinging to the nuclear waste pit that is a restroom. In its place is some poke bowl abomination or a pet acupuncture practice anchoring four stories of outrageously priced condos that resemble the unholy spawn of IKEA and Restoration Hardware. Hurry! Units are already selling!

Those are the neighborhoods that are the true disappointments, the ones you thought really had some potential to remain undouched by the savage urban real estate revolution. Precious hold outs against the tide of Shake Shacks and Whole Food supermarkets. There are other places in the city that always have and always will cater to the kind of people who have the means to underwrite things; where the chances of a CVS displacing an art gallery are slimmer than the odds of a Mariah Carey Oscar win. Beacon Hill is one of those locations.

Developed in the 17 and 1800s, Beacon Hill is one of the oldest neighborhoods in Boston. It’s a quaint network of quiet streets lined with Victorian brownstones and Federal-style era homes. Upscale boutiques, eateries, and specialty retail shops make Beacon Hill a special and, for most people, totally unobtainable place to live. But there is some good news on that front. A bit of real estate on the Hill has recently become available. For the very low, almost laughable; honestly, embarrassing, price of $750,000 U.S. dollars, you can become the proud owner of a Beacon Hill parking space.

A 9x20 parking space (ideal for a small SUV) inside one of the only parking garages in the neighborhood has just come on the market. The space is technically part of a condo. The homeowner has decided to put the space up for sale. As the listing agent explained, the space is deeded as its own property: “You pay a property tax for it to the city of Boston as well as $400 a month HOA fee to maintain the garage.” Totally reasonable! Do you take Bitcoin?

The seller inherited the parking space from their mother. I can just imagine the reading of that will:

To my darling daughter, Jenna, I leave my Beacon Hill condo parking space. You were always my favorite and by gifting you one of my most prized and coveted possessions, I hope it puts all the rumors to rest. To my son, Jeremy, you were a huge disappointment. I had high hopes that you would follow in my footsteps and go into corporate law. Instead you run a nonprofit that builds skate parks in underserved communities bringing nothing but shame and disgrace to this family. To you I leave the Renoir from the house in Hilton Head, which is a forgery anyway.

The parking space does come with a few perks such as valet parking as well as having the car refueled or recharged. A wash and wax (also known as a Beacon Hill Happy Ending) will cost you extra. Wink. But why stop there? If I’m going to shell out the cost of a lavish destination wedding to park my car, I have a few other “asks:”

My SUV goes by Madison. That’s MADISON, not Maddy, not Mad Dawg, not MadigasCAR (Ok, that one is solid), so please address her correctly.

The garage temperature must be set to a comfortable 58.765 degrees. Madison requires soft, incandescent light from wall sconces; no harsh, overhead glare please!

Madison starts her day with classic jazz–Bill Evans, Thelonius Monk; followed by a little This American Life or The Moth; and if she’s feeling especially perky, some classic rock–60s, 70s, 80s, ONLY. If I catch as much as one note of Primus or the Red Hot Chili Peppers, I will see your ass in court.

Madison will require regular wash and waxings. She prefers a wash made of three parts Perrier and two parts Cristal. Please use wax made from Peruvian bees applied with a lambskin sham.

Madison suffers from SAD. From January to April she will need 2-3 hours of light therapy as well as regular visits with her emotional support Lemur, Mr. Willowby.

Madison also struggles with low self-esteem and social anxiety. Each day reset her mileage to zero; detail her leather interior with a Vitamin C and peptide-based serum; and go over the following affirmations:

I have enough storage space.

My oil is clean and beautiful.

I will not compare myself to an electric car.

Madison must get her solid 8 hours of rest. After gently placing the black out screens on her windows, please turn on her “Nature Sounds” white noise machine. Reading helps her power down. You may choose one of her favorites such as Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, or The Love Bug. NOT Christine, no matter how much she begs!

Thank you for your time. Madison and I look forward to receiving confirmation of this offer soon!