'Merica

"You can't fight in here, this is the war room!"

Oct 01, 2025

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This week Pete Hegseth, a walking sexual harassment video, convened America’s top military leaders for an unprecedented meeting. The Secretary of War (sweet unhinged Jesus) delivered a blistering screed about the current state of the American military (pathetic, soft, barely good enough for Lee Greenwood to write a song about it) and outlined a scorched earth approach to transforming the formerly known Department of Defense (lame) into the fully WICKED AWESOME DEPARTMENT OF WAR COBRAI KAI WOLVERINES TEAM ‘MERICA WORLD POLICE F*(&^% YEAH!!

What Petey Prep H thinks he looks like up there in front of American top military brass

What Pete actually looks like to top American military brass

And it’s not gonna be easy, says Pete “Rohypnol” Hegseth. But that’s not what American might is about. Did we take the easy way out on the beaches of Normandy? Did we phone it in at the Battle of Gettysburg? Did we outsource our fire power in the Battle of the Network Stars? HECK NO! The time is now to take back the greatest armed forces in the GALAXY (Mars-we will fight you next! Go ahead, say something about it!) and return them to their rightful place as the most advanced, superior group of combatants SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME!

See? This guy gets ‘Merica AND YOU BETTER, TOO!!

Okay! This is exciting, right? Big swings! Lay it on us Pirate Pete. Give us your vision:

First order of business is to do away with all this ridiculous empathy that is ruining the soul of America and definitely has no place in the armed forces.

“The era of politically correct, overly sensitive, don’t hurt anyone’s feelings leadership ends right now,” he says. It’s about “ruthless, dispassionate and common sense application of standards.”

Though this doesn’t seem to apply to Hegseth’s boss (small detail, nothing to see here!), I think we see what he’s aiming at. The strong mark of leadership is insensitivity and intimidation. Like, duh! That’s pretty much RULING AND DOMINATING 101. Fortunately the department is bringing in this guy to begin the new leadership conduct training program:

Wow! He looks just like his LinkedIn profile pic!

Next up: we need to get our men in uniform (that’s right: MEN) in fighting shape-literally! Physical fitness and appearance are two top priorities in this department overhaul. The secretary is tired of seeing “fat troops” and “fat generals and admirals in the halls of the Pentagon and in leading commands around the country and the world.”

“It’s a bad look,” says the secretary. “And it’s not who we are.”

No. Agreed.

This is why the department is implementing more rigorous PT practices–effective immediately. Hard, tough, back breaking, bone shattering, throw up in your steeled oats kind of physical fitness routine and standards. The kind most definitely also practiced by The Commander in Chief (SHUT UP AND BELIEVE IT!) It worked for the Huns and it will work for America’s greatest soldiers.

“We’re not talking hot yoga and stretching,” clarifies P-Town. Right. Because if it’s one thing that comes to mind when someone says “U.S. Army” it’s getting in that 90 minutes of Bikram yoga before heading into the North Vietnam jungle to spread around a little napalm.

And while we’re on the subject of the American military lewk, let’s talk grooming:

“The era of unprofessional appearance is over. No more beardos.”

Bad news for these guys.

I’m sure you can find something else. Maybe teaching shop class?

Pete doesn’t care how many arms you’ve ripped off. Weird beards need not apply!

Of course this means that the folks in charge need to be able to enforce these updated measures without impunity or pushback from subordinates. That might fly at some disgraceful “woke” establishment like Pottery Barn or The Vatican, but here, in the best and coolest Department of War ever, that is not an option. Hence:

“That’s why today at my direction, we’re undertaking a full review of the department’s definitions of so-called toxic leadership, bullying and hazing to empower leaders to enforce standards without fear of retribution or second guessing.”

The secretary continued to note that terms such as “bullying,” “hazing,” and “toxic” have “been weaponized and bastardized inside our formations, undercutting commanders and NCOs.”

See, this has all just gotten a little mixed up in the grander scheme of things. One person’s bully is another person’s “motivational coach.” To help clear up this confusion, the department is bringing in a team of said motivational experts to get things on track and clear the way for a new generation of terrified armed service people:

Finally, Secretary Hegseth concedes that yes, as much as he’d like to deny it, it’s true: women ARE in the military, but we don’t like to talk about that too much because it 1. It makes us look weak to our enemies and boy do we have so many enemies (Looking at you Portland COOP) and 2. It upsets their uteruses, which has been proven a million times over by Secretary Kennedy and his team of pseudoscientists. So where do they fit in this revamped military complex?

Look, if they can give up their hot yoga and if they don’t cry or jump up on a table every time they see a spider AND meet the standards of their fellow manly men, great. We are happy to have you on board. But, if not, says the secretary, thems the breaks.

“If that means no women qualify for some combat jobs, so be it.” Because maybe women will discover that they’d rather be lifestyle bloggers and run doggie daycare centers instead of working to secure peace and protect citizens all over the world. There’s so much about women we just don’t know!

And if you are a “weak man,” consider yourself on notice: “weak men won’t qualify because we’re not playing games,” said the secretary. “This is combat. This is life or death.”