Lens Zen: DeFALLCon-5!
IT'S AUTUMN IN NEW ENGLAND! LOCK IN, SON!
We are in it now, my friends. FALL. Towns up and down the New England corridor are jacking up their hot cider prices, cutting lewd images into their corn mazes to see if anyone notices, and hashtagging #cozyfallvibes like their lives depend on it. I am doing my part to gobble up the incredible beauty soaking this part of our great, more than a little scuffed up, nation. It truly is a glorious time of the year and I feel lucky, lucky, lucky to live here.
This week I decided to reshare a piece I ran last year around this time. It accurately captures the essence of the season here and will give you a sense of why New Englanders cannot simply “Netflix, fall, and chill.” You take that hippie-low-blood-pressure-the-dude-abides-attitude back to your filthy commune in Sausalito where it belongs.
Scene: Interior meeting hall
(Mumbled conversation, arranging of chairs, general crowd noise)
Hello? Hi, folks. Thanks everyone for coming to our most important meeting of the year as we get ready to kick off another FALL IN NEW ENGLAND!
(Applause, cheers)
That’s right—welcome to the Big Dance! (Laughter).
Soon people will be pouring in from all over to experience our unique atmosphere, to soak up our small town charm. You’ve not only got your average tourists, timing their trips to see “peak” color (Chuckles). I know, right? Meteorological myth! Shhhh! We won’t tell! (Laughter). But we’ve also got influencers; we’ve got honeymooners and other “first timers;” folks, we’ve got celebrities willing to pay $59.95 for 3 oz of maple syrup! (Loud laughter, some clapping). And we’ve also got those sneaky bastards from Canada, greased up in poutine slithering their way across the border to size up the competition! (Hisses, boos). I probably don’t have to tell you that the pressure. is. ON! (Applause).
In a matter of weeks our quaint Main Streets will be teeming with people clutching steaming mugs of hot chocolate just to get a glimpse of those reds and oranges of autumn lit against the bright white steeples of our darling churches! (Applause). An aside, folks: If you haven’t done a deep pressure wash on those churches yet, please make that a priority on your maintenance list, okay? No one is going to regram a dingy house of worship. Church whites matter, people! Gazebos, too! Give them a good once-over. Make sure you’re using the Sparkle Lite Series 9000 twinkle lights—double strand, SOFT white for that dreamy, Hallmark Channel movie glow! Now is not the time to cut corners.
Look, it hasn’t been easy these last few years. We know. Climate change, the pandemic, and let’s not forget about what we in inner circles have been referring to as the “Colorado problem” with their rolling hills of golden aspens. (Boooooo! Concerned whispers and murmurs). Right! There’s a lot riding on this season. And we all have to do our part.
Along those lines and before we go any further, I’ll address the elephant in the room: Vermont. People, look, we can’t just expect the Green Mountain State to do all the heavy lifting when it comes to the “perfect fall getaway.” Can they help it that every single town is the dictionary definition of “adorable?” No. Is it their faults that the inside of their many, many covered bridges smell like brown sugar and hay? Of course not! Have they asked to carry the burden of being politically progressive, environmentally responsible, and a welcome refuge for aging hippies everywhere? Not at all! (Applause). Sure, while Vermont is probably, actually a long-running Truman Show-like experiment engineered by a shadow government, that does not change the fact that none of us should be riding coattails, understand? Looking at you, Maine. (Applause, whistles, grumbling from Maine).
Let’s get to it. Corn mazes. Our corn mazes are EPIC, but frankly I think we’re falling behind in this area. If you turn to page 15 of the handbook, section D titled “Maize-L-Tov: The Art of the Corn” you’ll see a drone image capture of a maze up in Deerfield, New Hampshire in what appears to be the shape of a cat. (Awww!) Cute, right? People “cute” will not cause a 30-mile back up on I93 on a sunny October morning! I want to see a replica of Hogwarts; I want to see a maze modeled after the Catacombs in Paris; I want to send Jim and Brenda from Ohio into corridors of corn based on the unfinished plans for the damn Death Star! If a family or bachelorette party hasn’t lost at least one member for their party wandering through your stalks YOU. ARE. FAILING! (Applause).
Alright, let’s see, where was I? Ah! Dress code. It bears repeating, so say it with me: Layers! Layers! Layers! (Crowd repeats). Really work those staple items, people: Chunky sweaters—the thicker the collar the better!; cable knit cardigans paired with ribbed Henleys; cashmere is queen, and don’t be afraid to really pile it on—caftans, ponchos are always in play! Whatever gives off maximum #fallvibes. And before I forget: flannel is BACK! (Groans, sighs, murmurs of no, uggh!) Now, hear me out. When folks say “New England” we want them to think “cozy,” “homey,” “Stars Hollow and coffee and smart, witty banter between sweetly quirky townsfolk;” and not Whitey Bulger, Lizzie Borden, and our shameful imperialistic past. So, let’s go, everyone: Flannel! Flannel! Flannel! (Crowd repeats with less enthusiasm). Good!
Moving on. Pumpkin patches. Very important. This is another area where, I think, we’ve all become a little lax, a little content to let the haunted hayrides do most of the work. That’s simply UNACCEPTABLE! I want to draw your attention to page 115 in the handbook, section F titled “The Linus Law: The Integrity of Squash and YOU.” Some of you may have forgotten that all pumpkin patches must be issued their Most Sincere Approved sticker before the season begins. You’ll see the criteria bolded:
Pumpkins must be the standard Harvest Jack F1 variety. No Baby Bears, no Caspers, no Porcelain Dolls, no Warty Goblins. Gourds-decorative or otherwise-are expressly forbidden!
Rows must be neatly cultivated on the eastern side of the property to ensure both sunrise and moonrise ‘grams
Patches must be free of scarecrows, hay bales, and other agriculture clutter so as not to interfere with “pumpkin patch purity.”
If you have not submitted your paperwork, you have until the 6th to do so.
While we’re on this topic, we might as well make a brief note about decorations. Friends—let’s all try and do better about walking the fine line between tacky and folksy, okay? We’ve put in some updated guidelines in the handbook—page 163, section P titled “Inflatables: The Nylon Lawn Cancer.” Please familiarize yourself with these, okay? We’re going to aggressively enforce this issue. A few too many people have gotten complacent. Instead of making a good, old fashioned Stay Puft Marshmallow Man out of paper mache and the sail of an eighteenth-century schooner acquired at auction, people are blowing up these box store abominations. Inflatables will be confiscated and all persons responsible will be asked to leave immediately and spend the remainder of fall in…..Orlando. (Gasps, concerned murmurs, uncomfortable shifting, nervous applause).
How are we on time? Okay, before we take a short break, I want to ask that we all try and help out Salem, Massachusetts a bit more this year (Applause). It’s been brought to the committee’s attention that they are just really struggling in general. Some of it may have to do with having the third installment of a wildly popular movie franchised filmed in your town! (Applause). What a happy “problem” to have, right Connecticut? (Chuckles, scowls from Connecticut). At any rate, small things can make a huge difference. For instance, consider scheduling your black masses and seances and other forms of necromancy closer to Dia de Muertos in early November. This would greatly ease the burden of all other Satanic out-of-towners likely to overrun the city. And that reminds me: Linda has requested some additional volunteers this year, specifically anyone with expertise in both giving and removing hexes. Her email is listed at the end of the agenda or you can chat with her—she’ll be in the back next to the coffee and cider doughnuts.
Okay! Feel free to stretch your legs, grab some refreshments, and we’ll reconvene in about 15 minutes with Session Two: Colorful Curmudgeons and Town Coots: Atmosphere Boost or Bust?
Autumn in New England is a whole damn vibe. And also beautiful!
Loved it even more the second time around!