Jungle Fever

Saw these critters while on safari in Boston. They were all just sort of hanging around the Dunks over by Fenway. Wild. ©SheilaMoeschenPhotography

The animals are not okay.

You might remember a very famous incident that happened in 2009. It involved a woman named Sandra who kept a chimpanzee, named Travis, as a pet. As one does because who wants a rescue dog when you can have a primate that shares your DNA? Travis was less of a pet and more of a companion that Sandra did palsy type things with: she dressed him up; bought him toys to play with; she and Travis watched TV together; she probably even got him his own stocking at Christmas. As one does.

One day Travis decided he had enough of the hats and onesies and Murder She Wrote marathons. He took Sandra’s car keys and disappeared. Smart. If only he had been able to drive a stick, the whole story would have turned out much cheerier. Travis probably would have ended up guesting on Late Night with Conan and inking a film deal with Pixar. Unfortunately, a series of epically disastrous events unfolded that day that culminated in a gruesome attack by Travis on another woman named Charla, a friend of Sandra’s who had come over to help with the situation. Miraculously Charla survived, but not without devastating injuries. Two words: Face. Transplant. Two more words. Law. Suit.

Now, you might think–you just MIGHT think–that this incident would become seared into our cultural collective consciousness. At the very least it would serve as a cautionary tale and, at most, act as a dire warning, the equivalent of a disembodied voice in an old Victorian house bellowing “GET OUT!” No. Sorry, no thanks. Too simple! We’d rather just ignore the deeply disturbing, utterly horrifying, yet HIGHLY EFFECTIVE TEACHABLE MOMENT of the case of Chimpanzee Travis + Sandra 4EVA and continue to do what we’ve always done, which is disregard the “wild” part of wild animals in order to subject them to our moronic human nonsense.

Just a few weeks ago an American woman did the impossible. She united the world in disgust and outrage when she snatched a baby wombat from its mother in Australia. That is impressive–both the depth of her stupidity and the hilariously bad karma that will trail her through this lifetime and probably a few others. In another incident, TSA officials at Newark Liberty International Airport in New Jersey detained a Pennsylvania man because he had a turtle stuffed into his pants.

I’ll pause for 30 seconds of “Is that a turtle in your pants…” type jokes. It would be irresponsible not to.

A routine scanner detected “something fishy,” (correct technological term), which meant the man was advancing to the bonus TSA round: a pat-down. This determined that there was “something weird” in the man’s love-me-tenders (correct anatomical term).

From the AP:

When questioned further, the man reached into his pants and pulled out the turtle, which was about 5 inches (12 centimeters) long and wrapped in a small blue towel. He said it was a red-ear slider turtle, a species that is popular as a pet. The turtle was confiscated, and it’s not clear if the turtle was the man’s pet or why he had it in his pants.

Oh! Okay then. Just a red-ear slider who maybe couldn’t afford first class, so traveling cargo today! Great! At least this guy wasn’t trying to get more than 3.4 liquid ounces through because THAT we take very seriously around here. I hope that turtle has good insurance and gets the therapy it needs. I searched for any follow-up news about this story and came up empty. WHY WAS THE TURTLE IN HIS PANTS, MARGO?! That question will haunt me forever. It’s our modern day “Who killed Jimmy Hoffa?”

And then there’s this more recent happening, an act of audacious criminal theatricality that seems like it could have been cut right from a Coen brothers screenplay.

A couple of men made off with about $400 of CBD oil from a gas station/truck stop in Denmark, Tennessee. The weapon of choice: two pythons. The offenders approached the counter, took out the snakes, and, according to the store employee, Mayur Raval:

“They were just waving them around and putting them on the counter.” Raval also told investigators: “They pulled their car up to the front of the door. I think they planned to successfully come here and rob the store. The snake is a weapon, you know.”

The pythons were not venomous and are legal to own in Tennessee as nonpoisonous reptiles. As one does.

I bet that never in their wildest imagination did these two snakes think they were going to wind up being accessories to a crime some day. They probably started that morning just like any other–squeezing in a few rounds of Call of Duty when one of their owners was probably like, “You wanna go for a ride? You wanna take a ride, pal? Who wants to go for a ride?”

Next thing you know you’re not going to the park or to the playground where some of the lazier parents pretend not to see their kid feeding you worms and small insects, you’re stopping at some janky gas station where you’re being forced to intimidate a timid store clerk. What the hell, Larry?!

Even worse–you can’t even bite anyone because you’re nonpoisonous! How humiliating. The most you can do is writhe around on the grimy counter like a bored exotic dancer. A real low point for snakes and humans alike. Sure, it’s all over the news what the guy said: “The snake is a weapon, you know.” But you don’t feel it. Your confidence is shot. Your only move is to get home, bide your time until you can slither down the tub drain, flee into the sewers Andy Dufresne style, and make a fresh start.