Is That a Snake in Your Bananas Or...?
Here’s a recent news story that caught my eye. From the news outlet, WMUR, in New Hampshire:
Manchester, N.H.--A mildly venomous snake was found in a shipment of bananas at a Market Basket location in New Hampshire.
News, I’m going to stop you right there at MILDLY venomous. I prefer my snakes without venom at all, thanks. In fact, the snakes I enjoy the most are the ones made out of felt with ping-pong balls for eyes that perform charming educational songs about the alphabet on Sesame Street. But, yes, I’ve watched a few David Attenborough documentaries and understand that snakes are around for all the right reasons biologically and environmentally speaking. Fine, I’ll allow it.
Still, MILDLY venomous implies that there are gradations of venomosity (real word). This is new and worrisome information that was not given to me in seventh grade earth science class. I don’t recall David Attenborough ever mentioning it, either. Maybe it got cut so he could fit in more facts about whales. Where are the environmental documentary whistleblowers when you need them? Anyway, I assume that at the upper end of the Venom Scale (real science) is IMMEDIATE DEATH, while the lower end is BAD HANGOVER. I bet this makes the snake cliques really brutal.
“You invited Steve to the party? No one would be caught dead with Steve–like, literally.”
The snake was discovered in a box of bananas at a Market Basket grocery store in Manchester, New Hampshire. For people outside of New England, Market Basket is a beloved, family-owned supermarket chain in the region. The stores all share an iconic look with wide aisles and large, square-tiled floors that make you feel like you’re shopping along a giant chess board. Most of all, Market Basket is famous for its advertising slogan: “Market Basket, where you get more for yahhhh dollaaaahhhhhh!” This is not an exaggeration of the New England dialect, which to date has only been mastered by the Afflecks and, like, two of the Kennedys (the good ones, not the ear worm guy). This is simply how you are required by law to say the slogan and how it sounds. It’s helpful because you can also use it as a kind of bat signal to find other New Englanders in the vicinity.
When the Demoulas family started their first grocery store back in 1917 they were probably thinking the “more” part of that slogan would include things like two-for-one packages of ground beef and not, you know, the occasional exotic reptile species.
New Hampshire Fish and Game conservation officer Griffin McKeown told News 9 that on Valentine's Day, he spoke to an employee at the Manchester Market Basket who found a snake in a box of bananas.
"Luckily for us, he seemed to be pretty familiar with snakes," McKeown said.
Employee of the MONTH right here. More importantly, recruiters take note. You should absolutely advise your prospective candidates to put any and all familiarity with snakes, invasive species, or even livestock at the very top of their resume. Stop hiding this crucial knowledge when it could (and it seems most definitely WILL) come in handy. I say this not just based on the grocery store employee (read: HERO) in this story, but because it illuminates a key issue that cuts across professional fields. You know the other place MILDLY venomous snakes like to hang out? Offices. So many vents, pipes, cozy corners of supply closets, warm pockets in the server bay rooms. I’m surprised no one made the movie, Snakes at General Electric. That would have been more believable.
The snake turned out to be an Ornate Cat-eye, named because her eyes resemble those of a cat. Reading between the lines here, these snakes are obvious genetic mutants, manufactured in a lab as part of a secret government program that Fox Mulder and Dana Scully are working to expose. Maybe they were originally created to be weaponized, but then the scientists realized all the snake was going to do was knock stuff off the counters and act bitchy so the whole enterprise was canned. This particular snake clocked in at about two-feet long, but in terms of your waking nightmare: immeasurable.
The species is native to Ecuador. Okay, now this makes more sense. Snake was probably feeling a little burned out (highly relatable, Snake!). Sick of all that tropical jungle life, she needed a little getaway. Her neighbor, Gladys, the three-toed sloth from the tree next door, lets her in on this travel deal. Real cheap. Turns out food crates are the Spirit Airlines of the exotic species travel game. Snake is sold. Bright lights, big city here she comes!
The snake was not harmed and given to Rainforest Reptiles Shows.
What!? TWIST! I did not see this coming! Law suits, sure, probably, it’s practically our national pastime now. But a scales to riches showbiz success story–hot damn! Who’s your agent, Snake? I mean, look, the romcom pretty much writes itself: It’s Valentine's Day at the bustling supermarket. And you spot her. Just a MILDLY venomous snake coiled here before you in a banana crate asking you to love her. Cue the Michael Buble track. See if Michael Patrick King is available to direct. I already smell a sequel.
I read about this happening decades ago and TO THIS DAY never reach into a box of bananas without thinking about it.
I love the Demoulas. Let me clarify - I know nothing of the family apart from their ownership of Market Basket grocery stores but I like their name. A snake was also the main character in a recent episode of “All Creatures Great and Small” It was not venomous but this did not stop Tristan from nearly fainting and getting weak in the knees at the sight of this unwelcome visitor.