Grab Bag #3
I have grabbed the bag THRICE!
Hi Friends!
Last weekend we gained an hour of daylight, which is good for humans and bad for vampires. March is a wildcard. There’s a lot of trickery-sleight-of-hand going on with this month. We can have a run of days skittering into 60-degree weather followed by a weekend of rainsleetsnowlocusts. This is why I keep the bucket of Icy Melt on the back porch until May; it’s an offering to the weather gods. March is like one of those Real Housewives of CITY NAME HERE, starting fights, getting sloppy on her Rosé, crying at her son’s soccer game, and giving a heartfelt speech at a cancer benefit. She’s a lot. But we grab our bite stick and bear down because we know that if we can just hang in there while March tantrums, we’ll be rewarded with the glorious, sweet lollipop hues of spring blooms and a new excuse to day drink. I kid! LOOK AROUND YOU: NO NEW EXCUSE NEEDED!
In light of the mixed bag that is this time of year, here are a few things from the grab bag:
We Didn’t Start the Fire (but we kind of did)
People are very “angry emoji” with Elon “The Human Snot Rocket” Musk these days. They are expressing this in a couple of ways. One is by rolling their Teslas into the nearest abandoned quarry. The other is by burning Tesla charging stations. Not subtle. There have been a few incidents lately of stations set ablaze in Burning Man-like effigy. The latest of those took place right down the road from me here in Littleton, Massachusetts.
I’ve been to Littleton. It’s one of those insular towns that takes itself pretty seriously. It’s the kind of place where if you want to open a Dunkin Donuts you have to comply with all of these very specific town ordinances about the look of the business. Even Dunks must blend in with the quaint, old New England atmosphere: red brick, white trim; the sign must be in Colonial Scribe font, hand painted in Amber Waves from the Benjamin Moore Puritan Hues collection. The vibe is “Welcome to Littleton! If you’re planning on sticking around there are some non-negotiables you need to know.”
Despite its stuffy attitude, Littleton is also the kind of town to embrace progressive aims like banning plastic bags and supporting EV tech. No matter what you think of Elon “The Human Snot Rocket” Musk, greener, cleaner energy sources (flaws and all) move the planet in a better direction. That folks are willing to torch these charging stations says one thing to me: You’ve angered the hippies. You’ve awakened the hippies from their quilted, patchouli slumber, and they are pissed. Sure, you might not know it to look at them going about their day-to-day, wearing their “Bernie or Bust” buttons and carting around their portable compost buckets. But underneath that placid, PBS exterior is a volcanic anti-establishment fury waiting to be unloosed. And Elon “The Human Snot Rocket” Musk just made the hippie to-do list (which is kept on paper made from marsh grass and scraps of potato skins).
Don’t forget, these people know how to organize without social media or even electricity! All those co-ops–it’s the hippie underground railroad. Smarten up. They’ve been fortifying on soy products, acupuncture, and Cat Stevens’ records since before the alphabet had all twenty-six letters. And now you’re coming for their Medicaid? If I were in charge, I’d be more afraid of the guy from Oregon with a solid grasp of homeopathy and crop rotation than Uncle Vladdy.
Stop That Weiner!
A man was arrested Sunday night in Dover, New Hampshire after fleeing the scene of a car accident. The man was naked. The name of this man is Shawn P. Weiner, Sr. Go ahead and read that as many times as needed until you stop giggling. It’s infinite times, isn’t it? You’re texting this to someone right now, aren’t you? I would.
Sunday afternoon police received several reports of a naked man interrupting traffic on Route 16. Police subdued and quickly apprehended Weiner. There was no chance that Weiner was going to slip out of their grasp (because no one likes a slippery Weiner). They put a lock on that Weiner in short order. Absolutely!
Evidently Mr. Weiner had been in an earlier crash and decided to shed his clothes on the side of the road before taking off on foot. I vaguely remember this coming up in driver’s ed: should you have to abandon the sight of an accident, it’s best to strip down first. But make sure to leave your insurance information, especially since you no longer have pockets.
Weiner’s motives remain unclear, and I’m sure they have nothing to do with being relentlessly mocked as a kid saddled with the name Shawn P. Weiner. We all know that children are remarkably tolerant and totally above stupid bathroom humor. Mr. Weiner was charged with indecent exposure and lewdness, reckless conduct, two counts of disorderly conduct, and (wait for it) littering. Talk about adding insult to injury for the naked Weiner. “You’re bad for the environment, Weiner!” is what I would yell if I were the judge presiding over his case. No, scrap that. I’d have to recuse myself because I wouldn’t be able to stop laughing from trying to say things like “Weiner, approach the bench” and “This is all very serious, Weiner.”
Shawn P. Weiner, Sr. You know what else that means? There could be a junior Weiner out there somewhere (ohpleaseohpleaseohplease).
Funny AF Women: It’s ME, you guys!
I was so incredibly honored to participate in CK Steefe’s Funny AF Women interview series. CK is the, also, very funny power gal behind Good Humor, a fantastic ‘Stack that is thoughtful, witty, and always a treat to get in my inbox.
You can check out the piece here:
Lens Zen!
As I said, we are in Fool’s Spring here in the northeast. The thaw may be a sign of spring or a malicious mirage tricking us into cleaning out the grill before a nor’easter swoops in to dump 16 inches of snow. That’s why you color those Easter eggs bright, in case you need to hunt for them in snow banks. That’s just smahhhts, kid.
The joke evaporates if Mr. Weiner and the media pronounce his surname as WHY-ner.
Judge: "All rise...except you, Mr. Weiner."
Love the photographs of the reflections in the puddles - beautifully captured.