Dystopian Fall Fashions!

Living my best Gilmore Girls dystopian fall. La-la-la. (Image by Engin Akyurt, via Pixabay)

It’s August. Halloween candy is in the grocery store and pumpkin spice is in the air: Fall is here! Time to pack up the flip-flops, store that adorable sundress, and update your wardrobe with the hottest dystopian fashion trends sure to make your autumn one for the state-sanctioned history books! Here are some items we’ve got our eyes and ears on, if you catch our drift (We will deny this).

Fast Slacks: Breakaway Pants

Cyclospora is here to stay and probably get much, much worse for reasons that are REDACTED due to the gross negligence of REDACTED REDACTED. Thanks to designers like Zara and H&M you don’t have to worry about getting benched from the harvest hayride or becoming the scariest thing in the haunted house courtesy of a cringey tushy mishap. Fast Slacks: Breakaway Pants combine flare and function. Simply run and rip; dash and detach; sprint and split while maintaining comfort without surrendering style or dignity. Made of beautiful breathable fabric from a type of reed found in the critically endangered wetlands of Southeast Asia (Don’t worry about it!), these pants come in a variety of shades such as Soft Concrete, Black Ops, and No Last Names Beige.

The Pump Purse with No Spill Spigot

It’s a mystery why gas prices continue to rise. Bad luck? Faulty wiring? An angry genie? While we may never know for sure, one thing is certain: no one should feel squeezed at a routine fill-up. That’s where The Pump Purse with No Spill Spigot comes in! This is a gorgeous, must-have accessory for the trendy, loyal, fossil fuel loving consumer. Squirrel away another couple of gallons in this sleekly constructed handbag made with great care and attention to detail by the wonderful designers at House of Exxon. Whether you need a few more liters to make it across the border (Shh! We won’t tell!) or to get you through the winter when the grid collapses, The Pump Purse is, literally, a life-saving addition to your closet (We didn’t warn you). Available in Financial Collapse Cyan, Show Us Your Papers Purple, and Loyalty Test Teal.

The Starlink Suit by Just Elon

Move over Meta, there’s new wearable tech in town! Whether he’s innovating the auto industry or brand shifting democracy, Elon Musk can’t stop, won’t stop making the world a very different place. His recently launched fashion company, Just Elon, pops with an item destined to become the next “little black dress:” The Starlink Suit.

Turn your entire person into a walking, talking, living, breathing, perpetual, inescapable data transmission and collection multiverse with this luxurious outfit that compliments all shapes, sizes, and nationalities (but specifically Caucasian). Who needs a pair of smart glasses to drop in on important conversations taking place where you happen to be sitting? The powerful satellite technology woven into the sumptuous fabric of the Starlink Suit allows you to tune in to sensitive discussions a continent or more away! We’re sure they’re talking about who serves the best Masgouf in Baghdad and nothing else. Fun! And don’t worry ladies, these suits come with plenty of pockets perfect for stashing everything you need in the course of your day-to-day such as lip balm, mints, or multiple passports. The Starlink fall line comes in one shade: Forever Opaque.

Bound 4Lyfe: The Tradwife Chastity Belt

She’s a bitch at the butter churn and Bambi in the bedroom: Tradwives, we see you!

The Tradwifestyle is all the rage, and we are all in on what we hope is a glorious new movement restoring the balance of power where it belongs: to mediocre white men. Praise be!

There’s no reason that you have to sacrifice style for your values. Modesty gets a makeover this autumn with the lovely Tradwife Chastity Belt. Each belt is made of grade-A Repression (the strongest and most lasting of all elements), handcrafted by a commune of TradSisters secreted away in an underground lair tucked far beneath the Scandinavian Mountains (We’re told they are happy and often fed). The belt is comfortable and discrete; he won’t be able to see it underneath your flowy white apron, but he’ll know it’s there. Whether he hasn’t put a ring on it–yet–or you want to gently spice things up with a little vagina jail bedroom play (WINK.), The Tradwife Chastity Belt is just as much an essential part of your capsule wardrobe as your favorite vanilla-colored cardigan. You know the one–you wore it when you let Amanda’s husband bone you out by the apiaries. Tradtramp.