We’ve identified the point in the Venn Diagram where science nerds intersect with fantasy nerds. It is “bringing a dire wolf back from extinction.”
A biotech company out of Dallas named Colossal Biosciences–because Texas is “The Humble State-” announced it had created three dire wolf pups. This is a pretty big deal. The dire wolf species lived over 12,000 years ago during the Pleistocene Epoch when life on planet earth resembled a giant, frosty snow globe. Only instead of there being a charming scene of the New York City skyline inside of it, the globe was full of terrifying creatures like Sabor-toothed cats eager to chew off your face.
You might recognize the dire wolf from the epic TV series, Game of Thrones, as the official symbol and animal guardian of House Stark. If you understood nothing about that sentence, I envy you a little. It means you probably still have room in your brain for things like simple division. Regardless, the dire wolf has massive pop culture cache. I’m not going to say that this had anything to do with the Colossal Biosciences team deciding what to work on when they were kicking around ideas about the best uses for their juicy Frankenstein technology:
Sven: We could invent a renewable energy source that would benefit all of mankind for generations.
Kaylee: Wait! What if, you guys, like what if, hear me out, seriousface you guys, okay, like what if we, like, MADE DIRE WOLVES HAPPEN AGAIN!
Everyone: Yeah, that’s way cooler. Sorry, Sven.
Colossal’s co-founder and CEO, Ben Lamm, explained in a news release: “Our team took DNA from a 13,000 year old tooth and a 72,000 year old skull and made healthy dire wolf puppies.” Because apparently it’s THAT simple! Duh. And while everyone was buying stolen art on the black market, it turns out the real money is in ancient dental and other remains that are most assuredly cursed. Enjoy being tormented by the spirits of the glacial realm, Mr. Lamm. I hope you have good insurance. But Colossal is just getting started. Right now as I type this, the Colossal teams are hard at work to resurrect the mammoth, the dodo, and a Tasmanian tiger. Didn’t anyone screen, like, ANY of the Jurassic Park movies at this place?
I learned that the name for this process is “de-extinction,” which has a lovely ring to it. It feels like reaching into a magician’s hat and pulling out a rabbit or, in this case, a pterodactyl. I don’t even have a problem with the ethics of any of this. Again, see “Jurassic Park” comment. Nature has a way of sorting things out. Plus, I think the industry that has the best chance of coming out on top in this next phase of our civilization is law. And with Mastodons and T-Rexes running amok in downtown Los Angeles, I have two words: Billable. Hours.
As I read about his scientific breakthrough, what I really thought was here’s another instance of revolutionary tech squandered on an enterprise that ultimately benefits a handful of uber wealthy and privileged. Very Veruca Salt “I want a wooly mammoth calf NOWWWWWWW, Daddy!” Maybe we could put this de-extinction technology into bringing back some things for the regular Jane and Joe Average like:
Columbia House: Back in the Neon-cine era of the 1980s there was a very popular and quick way to grow your cassette tape and, later, CD collection. Columbia House was a music subscription service that worked like this: For A PENNY (you read that right) you could pick out any 8 albums in their vast catalogue of rock and pop artists. After that first installment of glittering audio gems, you would receive additional selections at their full retail price. Simply cancel any time. That sentence was the key to everything, and you ignored it at your own financial peril, especially since you were probably only 10 or 12 years old with enough lawn mower money to cover the cost of one shipment.
What many of us did was sign up, get our 8 selections, bounce, and then at some point resubscribe. Suddenly that CD tower went from an empty loner to the life of the party flush with The Eagles Greatest Hits Vol 1 AND 2; James Taylor Greatest Hits; and Steely Dan: THE Greatest Hits!
I remember doing this a few times when I was in college, and I don’t recall using different addresses so maybe by that time the company was already hemorrhaging so much money and so overburdened with all the Toto IV albums they couldn’t unload that they just sent everything out the door without any due diligence. Potato/tomato. Was it a perfect model? No. Were there many illegalities involved? Most certainly. But if we’re serious about figuring out how to support and grow material music culture in the fastest way possible then de-extincting this sketchy fulfillment service is a great place to start. You’ll thank me when you’re impressing that Tinder date with your vast collection of vinyl that includes Donna Summer’s Greatest Hits, STYX Greatest Hits, and The Police Greatest Hits.
Blockbuster Video Store: Another relic from those days of yore when rentable movies were housed in a sizable retail space that always smelled like popcorn and socks. Blockbuster was like a Borders bookstore, but for films. You could wander around, aimlessly browsing, maybe happening upon some kind of movie gem-to you at least, but, maybe don’t brag about “finally seeing Star Wars.” You might overhear a couple bickering about choosing between renting Platoon or Legends of the Fall for date night and feel pretty good about your life AND movie decisions.
Blockbuster was the kind of place where you could easily socialize with other people. No one had to think very hard about what to say to start a conversation because your opener was literally right there on the shelf: “Forest Gump. What can’t Tom Hanks do, right?” In fact, it was not uncommon to be standing around holding a copy of Clerks and have someone sidle up to you and start in on how Kevin Smith’s whole approach to filmmaking is derivative of Italian cinema of the 1930s. And that someone would be Quentin Tarantino. The bottom line is that a vote for de-extincting the video store is a win for being openly pretentious, judgmental, and obnoxious about our media choices in real space and time with others.
McDonald’s Fried Apple Pie: Now, this has been on the de-extinction wish list for a while and thanks to the braintrust at Colossal the time is nigh! This menu item was a McDonald’s staple from the late-60s until it was discreetly retired in 1992; a tragic casualty of BIG HEALTH. Boo! Everyone should get the experience of chomping into this crispy, deep fried delight and relishing those brief seconds where the mixture of batter and sugar co-mingle before the terror takes hold as the molten lava of gooey, sweet, apple substance floods your mouth, scarring your tongue and charring your soft palate requiring skin grafts. Like childbirth, the memory of the ordeal would quickly fade and you’d be going back for seconds. Chef’s kiss (if that chef was a dragon). And besides, the only thing more American than apple pie is FRIED APPLE PIE! This needs no further discussion: DE-EXTINCT IT!
In conclusion I support de-extinction as long as it’s used for the trivial things that keep all of us dopey and mildly sedated on capitalism. To the kids at Colossal, I leave you with President John F. Kennedy (the cute one) who predicted this moment when he famously stated: “Ask not what your country can de-extinctify for you, ask what you can de-extinctify for your country!”
I’ve never had a McDonald’s apple pie and now I’m a little ashamed about it. So thanks for that.
Yes to your entire de-extinction list! People haven't lived until they've threatened their esophagus with burning hot apple filling!
BTW, kudos on the header image. It's great!