At the DNC
Predictions and prognostications
The DNC is underway in Chicago! That loosely translates into The Democrat Party’s Prom, theme “Please Don’t Cock this Up.” Please turn your photo package form into Mrs. Larson in the front office by Monday. It is a big deal. More than 4,000 delegates will attend to officially recognize Vice President Kamala Harris and her running mate, Governor Tim Walz, as the candidates for the 2024 presidential election. There will be four days of speeches, meetings, and boring party business that everyone will try and get out of in order to take one of those awesome Chicago architecture boat tours. (Please turn in THAT form to Mrs. Larsen if you haven’t already! Remember: All permissions slips must be signed.)
This Tilt-a-Whirl style campaign season has already had more twists and turns than a Christopher Nolan film. Who knows what lies ahead this week let alone three months from now. That was not rhetorical. If you DO know, please tell us; our stomach linings are dissolving like the promises of a deadbeat dad. Anyway, here are a few predictions for 2024 DNC:
Presiding over the entire convention and footing the bill will be the Liberal Elite Holy Trinity: Hanks, Clooney, Streep. (Psst: it’s a write off!)
The cast of The Bear will cook live onstage Iron Chef style.
Beyonce and Taylor Swift will combine like a Transformer to create the POPTIMUS-STAR-PRIME mega performer. POPTIMUS-STAR-PRIME will sweep the Grammys.
Instead of a balloon drop they will release free school lunch vouchers.
George W. Bush will crash it because that cat painting sumbitch loves himself a party with free food and booze.
Barack and Michelle will be streaming live from their rooftop party with Billie Eilish, Jon Batiste, Noah Kahan, and a reunited Led Zeppelin. Jimmy Fallon will not be on the guest list.
Bernie Sanders will eat his bag lunch out back with the kitchen staff as usual.
The vegan options will be surprisingly good.
As part of her policy speech Vice President Harris will announce plans to replace baseball with breakdancing as the national pastime.
Ferris Bueller will skip school and sing on the parade float.
Tim Walz will be late. As he was driving his ’98 Toyota Tercel on the Dan Ryan he noticed a car pulled over with a guy waving. Turns out the guy’s wife was going into labor. Tim got out his “medical go bag,” gloved up, and delivered a happy, healthy, 7-pound girl. Mom and Baby Liberty are doing just fine.
They are going to let Doug Emhoff work the T-shirt canon.
Everyone will secretly wish they were at Burning Man.
Colorblind attendees will not enjoy the experience.
They will “weekend at Bernie’s” Senator Ted Kennedy and they will pull..it…off!
The DNC will over budget on the Prince hologram and under budget on compastable cups.
Michael Jordan will announce he’s coming out of retirement to run for Chicago comptroller.
Jimmy Fallon will show up with 500 deep dish pizzas and get turned away because he is not on the list.
A bunch of protestors will camp outside the convention center. Tim Walz will see to it that they have water, healthy snacks, and are registered to vote in their home states.
Someone will sneak in a goat.
The ice breakers will actually be fun.
No one will be able to explain the nominating process.
Spinal Tap will get lost trying to find their way from the green room to the convention center stage.
AOC will post a super cool TikTok about making sure workers take their mandated union breaks.
The interns will be at Burning Man, but use AI to make it look like they were working at the convention.
Jack Black will get taken off the registration desk after changing Bill Clinton’s name tag to “Fart ClintFart.”
While Kamala makes her acceptance speech, Kevin McCallister will be booby-trapping his house against a couple of bumbling thieves.
“No one will be able to explain the nominating process.” I feel like this is both DNC and RNC! Maybe the only place they ever find common ground 😀
Love it! Hilarious :)